How to Cope with 4 Pregnancy-Rage Scenarios While Flying
Does the state of being pregnant automatically endow one with certain inalienable rights? Like first dibs on a restroom stall? Or access to a safety handle on a crowded tram? Or do those kinds of things smack of entitlement?
Flying out of state over the weekend has certainly forced me to realize that there are certain considerations I assumed were commonplace–commonsense, even–but that seem to be outlandish and bizarre to others. Am I behaving badly? Being a pregnant prima dona? God, I hope not. But the alternative explanation is that the world is populated by a lot of self-absorbed, egotistical, jerk-faces. That doesn’t paint a pretty picture either.
So here’s a list of 4 things pregnant ladies may encounter when traveling by plane–and how to react accordingly:
- Scenario: The airline employee at the check-in counter obliviously asks you to lift up your heavy luggage and place it on the platform. Reaction: I’m pregnant, butt breath. You think you could take care of that for me? Thanks for doing your job.
- Scenario: The airline employee at the counter in the boarding area stares at you blankly when you ask if you can
pre-board, and then asks you why being pregnant makes you disabled. Reaction: Two things, bitch: First, I have a basketball-sized human with his finger on my bladder, so I need quick access to the restroom. Second, have you flown on your own airline lately? Because then you’d know that it’s damn-near impossible for a pregnant woman to fit comfortably in one of your seats, let alone squished in between two oversized passengers. Oh, and a third thing: It’s illegal for you to ask what my “disability” is in the first place, so I shouldn’t have to tell you why I’m requesting to pre-board at all.
- Scenario: A fellow traveler would like to sit next to you, makes a move as if to squeeze past you and then doesn’t leave you enough room to stand up and move out of their way. Reaction: Are you f@#$ing kidding me?! Do you have no concept of space, or is the seat next to me just so awesome that you literally can’t wait to sit in it? Step BACK, or keep walking, because it’s not physically possible for you to squeeze your ass past me and my belly while I’m still seated.
- Scenario: You step onto a tram that will take you from one terminal to the next, and you grab a safety bar to keep from toppling over when the tram starts/stops, but not before several other people attempt to jostle you out of the way so that they can hold onto the safety bar themselves. Reaction: A blank, serial-killer stare into nothingness, and a tight grip on that safety bar.
You may have noticed a common thread through the incidents described above: Complete Obliviousness. People are just too wrapped up in themselves to notice anyone else around them, and this affects everyone, not just pregnant chicks.
And since the reactions described above are rather confrontational (except the final one) and may lead to pre-term labor or being ejected from a flight, may I suggest that we all just try a little harder to be considerate of everyone? It would make life a whole lot more pleasant, and you really don’t want to see my serial-killer face.